Palin Launches “Flea Market Tour”

 

Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin unveiled a new campaign strategy this past weekend as she launched her “flea market tour”.

In her latest attempt to portray herself as a “real American” hockey mom who supports average joes such as Six Pack and the Plumber, Governor Palin is now bargain hunting with the masses.

Many see this unorthodox move as further evidence that Sarah Palin has “gone rogue.” A senior McCain campaign official was quoted as saying, “Governor Palin has lost her mind. I mean yeah, we all know that John McCain is crazy, but Palin is just in a different world. She has completely stopped listening to the campaign. She thinks we’re holding her back from becoming the true superstar that she is destined to become. Seriously! She thinks God wants her to be president! She told me that herself!”

Palin’s first flea market stop was at the Englishtown Auction in Englishtown, NJ. Most Americans know that New Jersey is a solid “blue state” that John McCain has little-to-no chance of winning on election day. Another McCain staff member was puzzled by Palin’s decision to campaign in the Garden State at this late date.  “What the hell is Palin doing in New Jersey?” the staff member was overheard saying, “We told her to go to New Mexico!  We still have a shot there!”

Palin, however, did not seem discouraged by the polls putting her ticket way behind in New Jersey.  “Gosh, you know, it’s so great to be out here on this lovely day in such a pro-America part of the country, to be among such real Americans out here, I see all the soccer moms and hockey moms and, also, football moms and cheerleader moms, as well as all the Joe Six-Packs and Joe the Plumbers, and I just met Joe the Hitman, another hard-workin’, real American that is part of the pro-America pockets of the country that I enjoy gettin’ out and visitin’.  And yeah, you know, again, we are in New Jersey, but I did see a bunch of Palin-McCain signs on the way here out here, so it’s good to know that there are some real hard-workin’ Americans up here among the elitists that John McCain knows.”

The Alaska governor managed to do some shopping after her speech.  She saw a sweater that caught her eye at a local vendor’s table, and tried to take it without paying.  When the vendor objected, Palin assured him that he would be reimbursed by the RNC, and offered up some further reasons why she should get the sweater: “You know, up there in Alaska, where I am the chief executive, again, it gets cold up there!  So I can never, you know, have enough sweaters, as I’m sure the average, hard-workin’ American can understand, you know, the middle class Americans who are so hopin’ that the economy starts workin’ for them.  And, as vice president, I’ll also be runnin’ the Senate, and I’m really gonna get in there and make sure that the average, hard-workin’ hockey moms, and, again, Joe Six-Pack American, I’m gonna really get in there and make sure they get their sweaters. And never again, again, never, will we be taken advantage of again.  And it’s all about jobs and health care.”

Several fellow shoppers became so dizzy upon hearing this statement that they had to sit down.

Other members of the Palin family were at the flea market as well.  Daughters Willow, 14, and Piper, 7, caused a stir when they each attempted to take a headband without paying.  The vendor of said headbands, who wished to be known as Jane the Vendor, yelled at the two young Palins and demanded that they put the headbands back.

“But you don’t understand, we’re here on official business,” Willow explained to Jane the Vendor.  “Ever since our mom got into politics, we don’t pay for stuff.  We travel around the country getting everything for free.  We are the first family, and we rely on the support of real Americans like you.”

First Dude Todd Palin agreed with his daughter.  “Jane the Vendor, I advise you to give my daughters all the headbands they want, or else I’ll be forced to use my position to pressure your boss to fire you.

“What boss?” asked Jane the Vendor, “I’m a small business owner.  I am my own boss.”

Governor Palin heard the words “small business owner” and immediately joined the discussion.

“Well, you know, Jane the Vendor, Senator Obama will raise your taxes and fine you if you don’t provide your employees with the health care plan that he wants.  You won’t be able to live the American dream that so many average, hard-workin’ Americans like you, like the Joe Six-Packs, you know, with their faith, and maybe they like to go huntin’ and fishin’, like the energy policy that I’ve been workin’ on up there in Alaska, and with Russia as well, while Senator Obama has been pallin’ around with socialists like Karl Marx.”

Jane the Vendor, who later admitted to being an Obama supporter, told the Palin clan to “Just pay for the headbands and get the fuck out of here.”
 

 

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